sometimes it's the little things in life

It amazes me, often, that I can totally ignore the fantastic things that happen in my life and end up concentrating on the shit things. I can get in the car, at the end of a working day, and rant for the whole journey home. I rant on and on about one event (or maybe two) until we finally get into the flat and I drop my backpack and take Maria in my arms. We kiss and then she apologises - apologises that I've had a shit day and apologises that it is her fault that it happened. It is her fault that I am miles from the place of my birth, working in a school that has caused my annoyance, doing this job.

It is at moments like this that the camera (that is permanently filming my life - isn't there one filming everyone's life?) pulls back in that jagged way. Not a smooth pull back, one that jumps from my face to the girl in my arms to the flat I live in to the city I live in to the country I am now in to the world on which I reside. Each time the camera freezes during its pull back a voice in my head starts to list off the reasons I should be happy - the girl in my arms, the life I lead, the lives others lead. I guess what I'm trying to say is (according to my mother): I should count my blessings.

In my previous life, on a previous blog, I had a tag-line: The glass ain't half full, it ain't half empty, I ordered a cheeseburger. In hindsight (and hindsight is always 20-20) I now know that I was saying that this wasn't the life I had ordered. I wasn't optimistic not pessimistic about the life I was leading because it wasn't the life I honestly wanted. Now I have the life I want. I have made the hard decisions, torn up one (two) families, moved to the other side of the planet. This is my life. No longer can I complain about the quality (or the quantity). It shouldn't be a conversation about "half full/half empty", this is what I ordered - it is perfect.

But there is something in human nature to complain. Maybe it is a stress release thing. Maybe the only way that I can appreciate the fantastic life I have is to make mountains out of molehills. Maybe the only way that I can appreciate the day I have had at school is to make the one bad moment bigger, so that when I sit and think back, I realise that there were so many better things. Perhaps the key word is perspective. 

[This might seem like a tangent, but bear with me] I am really happy that I have started smoking again. I know, I know, no-one is happy that I have started smoking again. But smoking works in my life. I'm not a stupid man, there are moments I like to think that I am quite clever. I have certain skills and abilities that make me stand out from others - true I have certain crapnesses and inabilities that make me stand out from others as well. One of those skills I have is the ability to problem solve, arrive at a logical conclusion. I can disseminate information quickly, follow routes and paths that extrapolate, come to end results. Some times this ability scares me - as people present information I can drive it to a conclusion and then tell them the outcome. They don't believe me and we end up in an argument. I have found that a cigarette helps me not getting beaten to a pulp. How? you ask. I have found that if you immediately tell someone something, and I mean instantly, they don't appreciate it, they don't think you have taken long enough to think it through. However, listen to someone, pause, light up a cigarette, inhale, exhale, then tell them your thoughts and they are more receptive.

Oddly this works not just with other people, it also works with me. No matter how pissed off with life I might think I am, step out on to the balcony, light up a cigarette, inhale, exhale and suddenly everything comes back into perspective. It's not yoga, it's not zen, it's not karma - it is smoking a cigarette.

Now, I realise that I should not be writing a blog posting telling people that smoking is a good thing - hell I have probably pissed off several of my readers (yes, I know that some of you are vehemently anti-smoking) but now I'm going to go off on a different track.

Recently I have been attempting to grow a lemon tree. I tried lemon seeds on a piece of cotton wool and that failed. However, thanks to a tip from Blue Witch, I then tried planting some seeds in a pot of soil. I put 10 lemon pips in a pot of soil and stuck the pot out on my balcony. At some point in the afternoon I go out on the balcony and smoke a cigarette. This gives me the time to: stop; think; reorganise my life; get some perspective. As I sit there I look at the pot of soil.

Every day there is something more to look at. Those 10 seeds (somehow, don't ask) have produced 14 shoots - I have 14 little lemon trees growing. Each day they are bigger, each day it is easier to count them. And each day I feel like I have accomplished something. I never understood the satisfaction that gardeners got from growing things - and, to tell the honest, I don't think I am advocating growing a garden. But what I am advocating is growing something. I suddenly have an immense sense of satisfaction, of achievement, just from sticking some seeds in a pot of soil. I want to plant a bean and grow a bean stalk. I want to grow sunflowers. Hell, I might even start growing cress - just because it grows. I don't want a garden, I don't want all the hard work. I don't want to spend hours doing this and that. What I want is to see results. Those results bring everything into perspective. How shit was today? Not bad enough if to kill my lemon trees!No matter what happened today those shoots have grown.

Obviously, there will come a time when their growth slows down and I can't notice it anymore. I might move on to something else or I might just light up another cigarette. But, for now, growing lemon trees has made me appreciate my life more. This I find strange - so I thought I'd share it with you.

Sometimes it is the little things in life that make a big difference.

Comments

[Croila]

Oh noooooooooooooooo! I can't believe you've started smoking again! It's so bad for you!! And it makes you stink! And it's such a waste of money! Okay okay, here endeth the lesson.

By the way, you don't get Eastenders on cable in Mexico do you? Because I find watching Eastenders three times a week really makes me appreciate my own life!

I don't agree with nuffink in that post except the line "how shit was today? Not shit enough to kill a lemon tree." I have taken it up as my personal motto.

[Vanessa]

That was me, of course

[Blue Witch]

Oh good the spell worked.
The one to make extra lemon trees for me :)

Obviously not the one to keep you healthy though... I'd try an anti-smoking spell, but nearly 5 years of that one on someone else haven't done any good whatsover. Have you ever visted a heart ward and/or watched someone die, painfully and slowly from heart failure and/or cancer? Both are sobering sights and could be you in 20 years time...