sorry, no photos

It's the end of the school day and kids are going home. The main gates are open, there is a teacher on the microphone relaying children's names from the teacher carrying the radio-phone. He is walking down the line of cars, asking parents for their names. The children then move to the main gates and where one, of three, teachers will escort them to their car, open the door and make sure they are going home with the correct person. I am on "bench" duty. I wander up and down the walkway, moving the kids along the benches, nearer the main gate, verbally nudging them when they miss their names over the tannoy. I look up, over the playground, where Professor Dandy (yep, that's his real name) is taking seven boys for football practice. [Note for newer visitors - on this blog football means a round ball that you kick with your feet. Handling the ball is an offence in football.] I run out the gate to where Maria is already parked waiting for me to finish work.

Me: I love you.
Maria: I love you.
Me: Do you have the camera?
Maria: I love you.
Me: I love you and do you have the camera?
Maria: Yes, it's in my backpack.
Me: Can I have it please?

Armed with the camera I rush back into school and onto the playground. Professor Dandy sees I am armed with a camera and "strikes the pose". I smile at him, point out that I don't need photographic proof that he is trying to grow a moustache, I assure him that the seven wispy hairs that he has on his upper lip is a wonderful moustache, and I am not taking a picture of him because my girlfriend will piss herself laughing at his pre-pubescent moustache fall madly in love with him and leave me. No, it is the kids I want to take a picture of.

I group the children exactly how I want them, turn the camera on, and the lens fails to pop out of the case. Damn! Must have it set to review pictures. Nope, it's definitely on picture. A glance at the screen tells me that there is not enough battery. Well, there's enough battery to put a message up on the screen, why isn't there enough for me to take one picture. I eject the battery and rub it on my sleeve - that always works with the batteries in the tele remote! Replace the battery, turn it on and...nothing. Nothing except a message telling me I need to charge my battery. I run back out of school.

Me: Do you have the other battery?
Maria: Why?
Me: This battery is dead.
Maria: Are you sure?
Me: Well, it won't take a picture.
Maria: You've probably got it stuck on review pictures. Let me look.
Me: It's the battery.
Maria: It's the battery.
Me: I know! Do we have the other battery?
Maria: No. It's at home.

So, there's no picture. But if a picture's worth a thousand words then surely I can paint this picture for you in less than a thousand. Close your eyes and imagine - oh, hang on, don't close your eyes, you can't read with your eyes closed, just imagine - seven boys lined up for a photo. Four boys are kneeling on one knee, three boys are stood at the back. The four kneeling boys are all wearing the school's sweatshirt - a flag that is composed of half of the Union Jack and half of the Stars and Stripes (the school is called The Br!tish Americ@n School - it's genius!). The three boys at the back are wearing replica football shirts. The on in the middle is wearing a Mexico team shirt - obviously, THIS IS MEXICO! The other two are wearing [drumroll - this is the big moment, the moment when you would have all looked at the picture and gone WTF*?] Manchester United shirts!! Not just any Manchester United shirt but the Manchester United AWAY shirt! THIS IS MEXICO! One of the kids has Ronaldo's name on the back, the other has Rooney's name. THIS IS MEXICO! Am I the only one who sees the incongruity of this fact?  In a recent survey of "best supported football teams within their own country" [and yes, I'm annoyed that I can't find a link to the survey!] Mexico was in position two and three with Chivas and America. Why the hell are two boys, two Mexican boys, wearing ManUre shirts (and yes, that is what I call Manchester United because I am that petty and childish). It makes no sense to me! Now, if they were wearing a Sheffield United shirt I could fully understand it!

*Of course, I also realise that of, my readers, probably only one might have recognised a Manchester United away shirt - which is why this is a better story without the picture!

Comments

[Three-Legged-Cat]

I am pleased to read that the Br!t!sh Amer!c@n School plays the correct version of football. Doesn't explain the shirts though.

[Helly]

Alas, I do not have an away shirt. I only have a home shirt. (And a scarf. And a calendar. And DVDs.)

If ever they are playing in your town,
You must get to that football ground;
Take a lesson come and see,
Football taught by Matt Busby!
Manchester, Manchester United -
[c'mon, sing it with me, you know the words!]
A bunch of bouncing Busby Babes,
They deserve to be knighted!

[Helly]

You can delete that comment if you want to - I'm sure it makes you itchy. :-)