just a random thought

I didn't know what barbarism meant. It sounded like something to do with haircuts but that didn't sound right. The picture in the book showed the tribes with with long messy hair and the Romans with short hair or helmets so maybe barbarism was to do with haircuts.
                                                                    the Dead Fathers Club - Matt Haig

This morning, Maria read me a passage from the book she was reading. This led to one of those surreal conversations where one idea leads to another, leads to another. We were both sober, neither of us had taken any drugs (legal or not), we were both wide awake.

What if all wars were based on fashion? What if the history books have been lying to us all along? What if, deep down inside, what really, really drives people to war isn't politics, isn't expansion, isn't truth justice and the English/American/[insert name of country with a desire for global dominance] but is, in fact, a dislike of the other person's fashion sense?

Hang on, don't dismiss the idea immediately. It's Friday and you've got nothing else better to do than spend a couple of minutes listening to the ranting of...me.

Adam and Eve v god. God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. Yes, I know that god came up with some excuse about eating apples but (here's the kicker) what drew his attention to this fact? What really pissed him off?? It was clothing!

Romans v The World (as they knew it). Sensible haircuts, togas, short battle skirts against (well in the case of the ancient Britons) long hair, nekkidness, and painting your body blue.

England v Scotland. Englishmen wear sensible (this word has been deleted by Maria - as inflammatory and stylistically wrong [so she says]) trousers. Scots wear kilts. Think about it.

Roundheads v Cavaliers. The English Civil War might have been about democracy against monarchy but look at where they went with the names of the two sides. Cromwell led his army of neatly coiffured republicans (Roundheads) against those royalist with their floppy tresses.

Spain v Mexico. One country wore clothes the other...well they were busy sacrificing, slicing out hearts, throwing them into the mouths of gods (the statues that is) and eating the rest of the body - and as anyone knows, blood is a bitch to get out of clothes...yeah, they were nekkid! It is also quite hot there as well!

England v France. Where to begin? Let's go with the Napoleonic Wars. Napoleon wore his hat sideways. Wellington and Nelson wore their hats pointing forward. Obvious victors there!

Americans v Indians Native Americans. Yes, I know that General George Custer was known as "Longhair" but how annoyed was he with the Indians Native Americans head-dresses? The way those feathers made their hair look so wonderful. And Indians Native Americans? They, of course, would scalp their victims.

Israel v Palestine. Of course this is an argument about land. This is a war about survival. But Yasser Arafat made such a thing about his keffiyeh. He was very, very precise about the shape of it. I think this is what annoyed the Israelis the most.

Germany v The World. Now I realise that this is a very sensitive area and I have to be careful not to offend but, just for a moment...facial hair. Hitler had a silly moustache. All British people know this. You only have to slide your finger over your top lip and, lo and behold, it is a Hitler impression. And how did Germany get to a position that they could wage war with the whole world? Appeasement. Appeasement was what allowed them to rebuild from the First World War to a position of strength. Who was the foreign secretary who allowed this? Anthony Eden. Yes, the moustached Anthony Eden. It was only when Britain got a non-moustached leader (WC) that war was ON!! (Of course it would be totally tasteless to mention that the German uniforms were really sexy, so I won't.)

Italy v Anyone who wants it. Yes, I know they never win but let's get it right, they are stylish bastards. No wonder everyone really likes to invade them and kick all types of shit out of them.

America v Iraq. Forget the oil. Forget WMD. Forget everything. Focus on the fact that no person could ever become the President of the United States (in the modern era) with facial hair. Where do the Bush family come from? Texas. What country did Texas once belong to? Mexico. What are Mexicans well known for? Their moustaches! How do you impersonate Saddam Hussein? Stick on a moustache! YES! The moustache point has already been proved (see Germany v The World).

Ok, maybe I should stop there. But think about it. And if you find this post offensive is it because:
(1) it is offensive?
or
(b) because you don't like the way I dress?
I'm off for a haircut.

Comments

[Three-Legged-Cat]

First reaction: Very funny!

Then I go out, see a few groups of kids and think about how the local teenagers form their own little tribes, easily identifiable by the way they dress.
Second reaction: OMG, Will's right!

[Blue Witch]

Makes about as much sense as the religion view...

And I'm not saying that that is a good or bad thing, but that it's a thing.