look it up

I am full of boring/useless information. Some of it has to do with the fact that I am male and, therefore, seem to collate information, store it, and then regurgitate it (in an attempt to impress women/men/students/myself)*. However, most of my information has been gathered because of my mother. My mother is not the brightest button on the cardigan of the world. Actually, that isn't true. My mother is not the most knowledgeable person in the world, but she is very bright. A lot of it has to do with leaving school at the age of 14. This meant that whenever I would ask her a question, her reply would always be: Look it up. But this wasn't a throw-away comment, a pacifier for an annoying child. No, my mother would always follow the phrase, two hours later, with: What's the answer? I would have to answer my own question to her satisfaction. And, therein lies the rub. My mother's satisfaction was not necessarily my satisfaction. Quite often, she wanted an answer with more depth than I did. Thus, evenings would be spent with me, sent from the living room to the study, surrounded by reference books, dictionaries**, encyclopaedias, a pad of paper, and a pen. Before I went to bed, I would have to report to my mother my findings. I am 47 years old and I am full of boring/useless information.

Being the font of all knowledge has stood me in good stead in my career. I have discovered that children (the bastards) can be very inquisitive. The direction that you want the lesson to go in, is not necessarily the direction that children take you in. But, often, if you believe in "education as the creation of the free-thinking autonomous human being", you have to go in that direction. I am not a great believer in the phrase "because I told you so!" On my wall, in the classroom, I have a notice that reads: "Mr. Kay does not know everything, but yesterday he discovered:" Underneath this I write some piece of information that was inspired by a conversation in a lesson (or a direction that I want to take a conversation in). Often, this inspires students to discover more. More often it forces some fact into the students' faces that means they are learning something that makes them better people.

The t'internet has been a fantastic revelation to me (I'm old). For those of you (both of you) who read my previous blog, you may remember my total joy when I discovered Google Earth. That wonder still hasn't died (and if you have never used Google Earth, you must.  Google Earth is just the most gob-smacking thing out there. It is the reason to upgrade your computer. It is the reason to have an internet connection. Can you tell it rocks my world?). The t'internet is all those evenings in my parent's study, pouring over books - but, and here is the thing that you have to be my age to appreciate, it has all the answers. Yes, there is a lot of shit out there, too much donkey-porn, but, I can't explain the absolute joy I feel every time I open a google search, knowing that there is an answer out there, one click away. Damn, I love the t'internet!

I love Maria.

Maria is wonderful. One (if not the one) reason that I love Maria is that she loves me. And a lot of her love for me is based around the fact that she thinks I am wonderful. One of the reasons that she thinks I'm wonderful is that I normally have an answer for any question. She asks a question, I answer. Two minutes ago she asked me the meaning of "natty". I knew the answer without having to turn to Google. She loves me. She loves me because I have the answer to everything. I am her t'internet. Except I'm not. Mr Kay does not know everything... Recently I got a new mobile. The choosing of the phone was 75% Maria's, 25% mine. She knows what I want, she knows what is sexy. But, she didn't know exactly what I really wanted. What I wanted was not an MP3 player that also calls people. I wanted a phone that meant that when she asks me a question, and I don't know the answer, under the table I can Google the answer. Then she would adore me. I would have the answer to all her questions. My life is devoted to being her "number-one-go-to-guy", and if that means cheating - I'm the guy to do it!!!

There is a chain of restaurants called "Outback", it is themed as Australian. We love the place. They give you a malt loaf to chew on while you read the menu (although, if you ever eat in an Outback with Maria, heaven help you! The knife they give you to slice the loaf is sharp and it never leaves Maria's hand!). We have a "bloomin' onion". I have a "big-boy" Foster's. And then I have a big-fuck-off steak!

The last time we were there, we had one of those conversations. Maria asked me if I could remember the name of a singer, she's a country singer, she posed on the cover of Vanity Fair, she was being shaved by someone, she's a lesbian. I failed. But our waitress didn't!

Last night we went again (to celebrate my b'day). We had spent a certain amount of time searching for a Barnes & Noble (because a very nice person had presented me with a gift certificate) and failed miserably. The meal was wonderful, the discussion was fantastic, and as we left we asked the "seater" if she knew where there was a Barnes & Noble. She told us! Drew us a map. Wrote out directions. It was only as we were getting into the car that we realised that the "seater" and the waitress (from our last visit) were, one in the same person.

Maybe I shouldn't have worried about my mobile, about Google. Maybe we should just eat at the same restaurant all the time!

*actually, as dull as it sounds "trying to impress women", I have found that some women are impressed with the amount of information I have stored. I can carry on conversations, seem fairly intelligent, can express an opinion. Of course, the bestest thing is that, 'cos I know a little of everything, my opinion can be swayed. And there is nothing more impressive than a man who appears to be an intellect, and yet concedes the ground to a well thought out argument. Damn, let's hope Maria doesn't read this!

**as I was typing this post up, Maria was surfing the t'internet. Oh, no! She suddenly exclaimed. It appears that the OED (Oxford English Dictionary) is seriously considering never publishing a paper edition again! Wow, am I cutting edge or what? (I heard that person who said "or what"!)

Comments

[maria bonita]

Take it from a lady; we fall in love with Guys who know "everything" It is indeed the sexiest thing in the whole world

[(S)wine]

who was that country singer on VF anyway? i seem to remember KD Lang in a pictorial like that, but for some reason i'm thinking it was GQ.

i only ate once at an Outback, here in the States, in the D.C. area, about 15 yrs. ago; never went back. i hope they've changed. i think Bukowski has a poem about trying to eat in peace at an Outback and the server/waitress/whateverwecallthemnowadays kept coming by and asking if everything was OK. it's funny. trust me. really. no, really.

gotta get me a sexy phone. mine is from back in the days when you had to crank it up in order to generate electricity.