I've found my home: my rock

I've not been the best boyfriend the last week or so. You might have noticed, if you are one of those who read Maria's blog (and, if you don't, you should).

I've been a bit down and that isn't my job. Oh, I know, that sounds a bit weird but we're adults (well, at least Maria is - me, I'm just giving it a try). One of the wonderful things about our relationship is that we both came into this with our eyes-wide-open. There was going to be no learning-curve, there was going to be no adaptation-to-the-others-needs. We both sacrificed our former lives for this, there was no need to compromise. We had both had enough of compromise, we'd both had enough of bending-over-backwards to appease. This was the real deal. This was what we wanted. We knew who we were, what we wanted. We knew our roles in this relationship. Really, I don't care what you think, you aren't in this relationship! It doesn't matter to me (or her - yes, I am speaking for her) whether you agree or disagree with how we do things - this is how we roll.

And I've been a bit down and that isn't my job.

I'm supposed to be the up person. I'm the child in this relationship - the one who sees the joy/the fun in everything. I'm the one who laughs (stupidly), I'm the one who walks around on a permanent high. It is my role to see the good in everyone, the humour in every situation, the childish glee in everything. Don't get me wrong - it is not Maria's job to find the opposite! It is her job to let me be, let me be me. I love her, she is so supportive, so with-me, it gives me the freedom to be who I want to be. That's the agreement. I don't get depressed, I keep everything light. When something occurs that might drag us down, I go for the funny and she centres us.

Danny was wrong - I find Maria incredibly funny. In many ways she is English, she understands irony, she gets sarcasm (as a form of wit), and she recognises understatement. She worries that she isn't as funny as I am but, as I have proved on many occasions, sometimes going for the funny is not a great idea. She is so fucking intelligent that she forces me to be cleverer (is that a word?). A fart joke (as if I would ever) is never going to be funny. She forces me to be a better person, a funnier person - and this is one (of the many reasons) I love her. She makes me a better person.

Except, I've been a bit down and this is not my role.

Maria, my angel, has been searching for why I've been down. She is my everything, my all - if I'm down, it must be her fault (she thinks). But it isn't her. I can't tell you this (and you'd believe me), I need to grab you by the lapels, pull your face close to mine, look you in the eyes, and tell you: "She's perfect!" No, in this case it was me, not her (to paraphrase a Seinfeld episode). Are you ready for this? What was wrong? I'd failed. I'd failed the students I taught. I was supposed to go to Disney with them on Friday and (due to circumstances beyond my control) I didn't go. Don't ask me why, but for some reason, this weighed heavy on me - hell, I even had chest pains! But I didn't realise. I carried on (as if everything was normal) through the weekend, and I was down.

Tuesday night Maria asked me to leave, to go back to England. She knew something was wrong, and if she was my world, then I had to leave because (in her mind) it was her. I'm English, I don't do therapy, I don't talk things through, I avoid the point. However, the fear that she wanted (felt she had to) send me away was enough to force me to sit down and think - what was bringing me down?

I thought I'd failed my students.

This, of course, is totally crap. Why would I fuck over the best thing in my life over something as crap as failing to go to Disney with a bunch of kids? What I needed was a reality check. Something that would bring me up short, make me re-evaluate my life, order my priorities. And then, the great god karma stepped in. I got dooced!

Breathe.

I didn't. But in, one of those beautiful moments that you can't explain, the whole of my life got prioritised. Why am I in Mexico? Because of Maria. It isn't my job, it isn't tacos, it isn't to (not) learn Spanish - it is Maria. Maria is everything. MARIA IS EVERYTHING. It isn't a day not spent at Disney, it is a day spent with Maria. I am here to be with her.

W*dnesd*y night, Maria went for a shower, I checked the computer and there was an email, a comment on my blog. I'd been found by a parent. A quick check of the stats and suddenly I discovered that I had been visited by 79 different people in the last four hours. Suddenly, in a split second, the priorities changed. Tomorrow I might not have a job, tomorrow I might just be in Mexico unemployed, tomorrow...tomorrow I would be free from work, tomorrow I would be with Maria. Hell, we'd have no money, no income, but this was what we wanted (not no income), to be together. Suddenly, not going to Disney wasn't important. The fact of the matter was, we were together.

And she is my rock. We spend three hours going through the blog. I laugh at things I have written, she cringes, but the fact is, I feel relieved. I love her. I adore her. When did my job become more important than our relationship? She is everything.

I go into school - we are still not totally sure that the comment is from an actual parent. I switch on my laptop, check the comment again - it is from a parent! I email him. After that I step out into the playground, see the commenter's daughter. Say hello, ask how she is, and she tells me that her dad says that I'd be freaking!

So, this is how it is. Some posts have been removed. Some posts have been changed. And what happens next, happens next. But, I'm here to stay. I am in Mexico because I love Maria. I came here without a job. I'll survive if I lose this job. I've found my home!

I love her. She is my world, my everything. I'm here to stay.

Siempre y por siempre.