is that a gun in your pocket?

True story: 1998 I went to Florida on my first visit to America. I dragged my children along - yes we went to Disney World, Universal Studios, Sea World, Busch Gardens but, at odd moments, it still felt like dragging. One of the problems we encountered in the land of the free was the fact that my daughter was a vegetarian. Yes, every thing you've heard is true, the portions in America are huge. Most meals need a doggy bag (a very embarrassing item for an Englishman). We fell in love with a restaurant chain called Sizzlers. The idea of this place was, you ordered you meat (steak/chicken/shrimp/ribs) and then helped yourself to the buffet bar. The buffet bar, to an Englishman, was surreal. As many visits as you wanted - in fact we were encouraged to go back, and back, and back. This was not just a salad bar. It contained everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything. Soups, chillies, tacos, chicken wings, salads, breads - hell there was a whole meal there - plus there was a sweet bar. Ice cream dispensers, cheese cake, puddings, jello (that's jelly to you and me), cakes, bums, the lot. The first time we visited, by the time the stuff we had ordered arrived, we were full. We got it "to go". Food was excessive! Morning buffets at Sizzlers cost $4.99 (that's two and a half ponds of your great British pounds sterling) and they were all you could eat - seriously, ALL you could eat.

But, I digress. Stephanie is a vegetarian. One night, on the way back from Islands of Adventure we pulled into a TacoBell, who offered us something ludicrous, something like 15 tacos for $6. Unfortunately, my daughter couldn't eat tacos. So we inquired:

Anything without meat?

We've got beans.

What's in the beans?

Beans, bacon, tomato, beef, and other spices.

So there's meat in the beans?

Not really.

My daughter is a vegetarian. She can't eat meat. Do you have anything without meat?

We've got beans.

What is in the beans?

Beans, bacon...

You see. Right there. You said bacon. Bacon is a meat.

There's not a lot of bacon?

But there is bacon.

There is tomato as well,

And....?

A little bit of beef, onions, spi....

Can I bring you back to the beef? Beef is a meat. Do you have anything without meat?

Beans?

Nope. I think we can discount beans as a vegetarian option. Do you have anything else?

A burrito.

A burrito?

Yes. That's got salad in it.

And....?

Well, we have a beef burrito or a chicken burrito. Both have salad. They could be a vegetarian option?

Stephanie didn't eat that night - well she did, but not from there!

Now: I live in Mexico. Last year we went to Puerto Nuevo for lobster. It was wonderful. The lobster was huge, the shrimps were lobster-sized, it was amazing. Lobster. Huge lobster. Really cheap, really big, lobster. I was stunned. When I returned to school, after the weekend, someone asked what I'd done at the weekend. I started to tell them I'd visited Puerto Nuevo. They got excited, asking where I'd been. I told them the name of the restaurant and they immediately jumped in with: BEANS! Eh? I started to explain about the lobster, the shrim....BEANS! What were the beans like? Well, I remembered there were beans, beans are always served, in a little pot beside the main course, or as a part of the dish. But, but, they were beans. No! Beans are the most important part of a Mexican meal. Beans are everything. Beans are the staple. Beans are, well people will travel miles and miles for good beans. Everyone has a recipe for beans. Seriously, Maria has a recipe for beans which (and I should say now, I really love), if you should ever eat, you have to say (have to, I say) they are the best best beans you have ever tasted. The rules of being a Mexican state: You never (NEVER) insult their mother. You love their beans.

I love Mexican beans, in all their shapes and forms. Oh yes, it gets a fuck of a lot more complicated than you think. There are beans, and beans, and beans. Don't get me started, actually, don't get a Mexican started!

In all this, three years of living, I have yet to have a baked bean. Yep, I know, I'm English and I haven't had baked beans on toast for nearly three years. But tonight, tonight is different. Whilst wandering round Wal*Mart, buying pies (god I love their pies - apple, lemon, blueberry, pecan) I came across a tin of baked beans. Somehow, don't ask me how, the tin fell in my trolley. Actually, to be more accurate, four tins fell in my trolley.

Tonight I am having baked beans! That ain't a gun in my pocket - I'm just pleased to see you!

Comments

[Three-Legged-Cat]

"Ice cream dispensers, cheese cake, puddings, jello (that's jelly to you and me), cakes, bums, the lot."

Oh my! Were those American bums or English bums, she asks, cheekily ;)

*sneaks off quickly before Will throws beans at her*

[(S)wine]

mmmmm....legumes (Homer voice)

[Blue Witch]

"Morning buffets at Sizzlers cost $4.99 (that's two and a half ponds of your great British pounds sterling)"

That's a fuck of a lot of money for breakfast!!!

Runs away quickly* ;)

Beanz meanz....

[Vanessa]

Quiet request for a bean recipe? I'm going to try to bake my own beans tomorrow....