I've found my home

an apology

I can't post. Tried to start three different posts and failed miserably. Can't get the sentences to join. Can't get an idea to flow. Can't express what I want.

I'm going to blame fatigue. The academic year finished yesterday. Last week was a long wind down from the Lion King, through graduation, academic post mortems, to a last day meeting. Last night I had a very enjoyable evening out in the company of friends - five hours that felt like one. Physically I just want to sleep, mentally I need to detox. Writing posts seems impossible.

Have read Housekeeping vs The Dirt (excellent) and Lucifer:Crux (so-so). Dipped into Engulfed in Flames (luvverly and funny). Tearing my way through The Yiddish Policeman's Union (genius).

Listening to the new Coldplay album (learning to love it) and rocking away to the new Weezer album (brilliant).

Seen WALL-E (fantastic) and Wanted (awful).

Worrying about the finalists of Hell's Kitchen and So You Think You Can Dance (I have become this shallow).

Started a new diet in order to control my IBS which has flared up again.

But most of all I need to sleep. I need to rest. I just don't have the words.

I am still alive, still happy, still madly in love, still in Mexico.

Regular service will be returned once I've recharged.

the terrific tales of Action Will

This will be a "live" blogging event. To prove that I am all action today, I will update this post regularly, so that you can keep track of whether I am fulfilling my promise to end procrastination. Stay tuned (or keep hitting refresh) for the latest news:

6:15am - I wake up at this time every day. Although the alarm is not on, I still wake up at this time today. Today is my day of action. I roll over and go back to sleep.

8:05am - I get up. Check emails, check blogs. Open a coke. Have a cigarette. Go back to bed and wake Maria up. As this is a day of action I get out handcuffs, chains, wiffle bat, and run (run!) back to the fridge for the whipped cream and a stick of celery! (is this T.M.I.? It was the stick of celery that pushed this over the edge wasn't it? Hey, at least I didn't mention the radish! Oops, too late.)

8:57am - get up again. Check blogs. Leave comment on j.a.'s blog. Surf internet.

9:23am - go for shower.

9:34am - still going for a shower.

9:49am - am out of shower and dressed. Whilst in shower I got the joke in j.a.'s comment: In the list of things to procrastinate about, "get a haircut" is at least in the top 5. I will list the rest later. This is, of course, after I had started to, mentally, draw up my own list.

9:57am - run (run!) round house collecting keys, wallet, phone. We have to pick the kids up at ten and they live three minutes away! I will be on time.

10:02am - pick up kids and explain to them that we are having an action day.

10:23am - arrive at Starbucks. Order a power drink!! Full of vitamins, and minerals, and water gathered from the thighs of Cuban virgins (who have been left out overnight to let the dew settle on their thighs - I hope?). Sorry Vanessa, I did not bring the computer - this is family time! And, because I am being all action, I need to turn the time into quality rather than quantity.

11:17am - leave Starbucks. Go back into Starbucks to use the facilities - I don't know much about Cuban virgins but I think their thighs excrete some sort of diuretic??

11:23am - leave Starbucks with empty bladder.

11:31am - enter Blockbusters.

11:42am - start throwing DVDs at Nikos. I love the boy but, sometimes, he's like Maria in a shoe shop - the shoes in the other aisle are always more pretty than the pair in her hands, the ones on her feet, and the other two boxes she has in front of her.

11:45am - leave Blockbusters.

12:02pm - arrive at supermarket.

12:07pm - still wandering around aimlessly! This is supposed to be an action day! Hit upon idea of, instead of wandering around, thinking what we need, systematically go up and down every aisle, filling cart with one of everything!

12:27pm - bill for shopping comes to 987 pesos??? That can't be right!!!

12:29pm - get out of supermarket car park! Don't these people have anything better to do on a Saturday, other than go shopping? Don't they realise they are holding up a man of action????

12:38pm - unpack shopping. Realise that we forgot to get the things we went for. How the heck can you forget bacon??????

12:42pm - update blog (doing that now!!!)

12:52pm - hit publish and then will get out all my books and start writing my exams.

12:53pm - realise that I forgot to get a haircut. Kids are now watching DVDs and don't want to go out. I need to start my exams. Probably won't get haircut today.

1:36pm - will start to write exams soon. Just surfing at the moment - but it is action surfing.

1:55pm - have opened Word on the computer! Am a lot nearer to writing my exams.

2:33pm - opening Word was a bad plan. The computer froze. It might have had something to do with the fact that I was doing too many things with the computer - foolish me! Computer had to be re-set. It was my intention to open no more windows, just Word and work on my exams. However, Maria has just posted. So, I'll have to go read that first. But will get to my exams soon!!!

2:59pm - did you know that you could buy second hand books from Barnes and Noble? I got a gift voucher for my birthday and now, instead of buying two/three books, I can probably get a load more. Now, I need to sit down and write a list of books I want. Hang on, there is a funny smell in the flat??? Damn, it appears I was supposed to be watching the beans. I don't think they are burnt but Maria is a bit grumpy with me. I told her I was concentrating on the computer...true, it wasn't my exams, it was shopping! However, I'd better open Word and get on with the exams NOW!

3:20pm - have written half an exam. However, have been worrying about my failure to detect the boiling beans. Am now boiling eggs to make my egg salad. Will need to chop up an onion and fine cut some coriander (cilantro). This will take me away from the computer...but I am doing something! I am not avoiding writing exams. Honestly.

3:23pm - run out of gas. Can't boil eggs. Will need to hang about on the balcony waiting for the gasman to drive past. I know, I know. It might look as if I'm just sat on the balcony, reading, but I am doing something. I'm waiting for the gasman!

3:47pm - gasman has been. Have lit the boiler and set the eggs to boil (again). Need to chop some food and wash out the glass I am growing my avocado in.

4:04pm - finished sixth grade maths exam!! Decided I was procrastinating, didn't chop food, didn't wash avocado glass, wrote exam instead! I am a man of action!!!

4:46pm - transferred water from huge bottles into smaller bottles. Bit of a disaster with the eggs - might have forgotten they were boiling? There was still water left in the pan though, so they should be alright. Not that I've been avoiding the fifth grade maths exam but, up on acuerdate de acapulco there is a post in English. This is good news, as Maria is asleep in front of the tele - the kids are watching a film about a tooth mouse (no tooth fairy in Mexico, it's a mouse!) [and no IMDB link for El Raton de los Dientes either] - and so couldn't translate for me. The better news is that she's asleep and doesn't know I'm reading blogs, instead of writing exams!

5:36pm - have written the fifth grade exam. It is not a nice exam (sorry) it is full of questions about circles, which means π. The thing about teaching π, is that it is pronounced "pie" in England, which means loads of awful jokes for the maths teacher to make!

Apple Pie - do you get it? Genius, I'll be here all week. Unfortunately, π is pronounced "pea" in Mexico - and there are no jokes that I am doing about a word that sounds like "pee". Hard enough talking about a Wii!! Anyhoo, onward and upward! It is time for this man of action to make his egg salad!!

5:41 - three legged cat had a haircut today! She is a woman of action!! I feel like a failure. Maybe I should go lie down?

6:05 - just realised that I haven't eaten today! Am going to make the egg salad, open some ritz crackers, and dip away. Might also slice up some saussies and coat them in lemon and chili powder. While I am eating I will go watch some tele - probably an episode (or two) of Chuck. Also realised that I haven't said (on here) congratulations to Croila! Congratulations on your fantastic news!!

6:15pm - aaarrrggghhh. Didn't buy Lea and Perrins, didn't buy any dijon mustard. And now Maria feels ill :^( Not because we didn't buy the correct stuff - she just feels ill. I'll go sit with her for a bit.

8:15pm - still sitting with Maria. She is still feeling ill. I can't leave her. Much as I want to write the English exam, I have to think about her feelings. Plus, I'm in the middle of watching something. Gotta go!

10:28pm - time for bed. The kids have to go to bed, which means we have to retire to our bedroom. Not sure how successful this day has been - I've written two exams out of three but I didn't get a haircut. Good night.

down time

Dateline: Easter Sunday.

Last night we had the most awful food. I would like to blame someone else, anyone else, but it was all my fault. For some reason "scallops wrapped in bacon" sounded luvverly - and the picture on the box looked nice as well. Normally, after spending a certain amount of time in the toilet (with multiple visits) I can feel happy - it is caused by "lactose covered frozen things" or ice-cream (as most people call it). But it tasted horrible, it smelt horrible, and it made me ill. The long and the short of all this was, we ended up loosing two hours of real life and so, to regain it, we didn't go to bed until after 2am.

It is Danny's birthday today and Maria had to pick the kids up at 10am. At 8am I got that worrying thought, what if the clocks went forward today? This isn't as daft as you might think. Five miles away in the good ol' US of A, the clocks went forward two weeks ago. Of course I couldn't just lie in bed worrying, I had to get up to check. Once the computer was switched on I noticed several comments on my blog and an email from my mum. I didn't go back to sleep.

The kids phoned at 9:20am, why hadn't they been picked up? Well, mainly because we were on Tijuana time not Mexico City time (which is two hours ahead), where they had been for the last week. Maria picked them up, happy birthday was sung, presents unwrapped, and Danny chose to watch the Bourne trilogy - now she is 13 she can watch them unsupervised! I phoned my mum - she was at my brother's house, celebrating Easter.

As Maria and Danny settled in front of the tele it was up to me to keep Nikos entertained. Thank the t'internet for lego.com. We built cities, we spent time as firemen, we hunted dinosaurs. As Nikos built, fought fire, exterminated, I surfed the t'internet on my laptop. Posted several times on expat-blog.com, read blogs and commented, followed Santos as they drew with Pumas.

It is now 6:45m. Nikos is now in front of the tele watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, Danny is at the computer updating her myspace page, Maria is cooking, and I am posting.

It all counts as downtime.

expat blog

Maria worries about me. She worries that I miss home. She worries that I have no friends. She worries that no-one reads my blog.

She found a website where ex-pats can out up their blogs.

This explains why there is now a new link on the sidebar to the left (to the left, to the left as Beyonce would say).

I am now linked to expat-blog.com. So, now you know.

good will writing

A couple of years ago I wrote this blog post about a night in a bar on the 16th of September. What made this night special is that 16th September is Independence Day. I wrote that post two years ago and promptly forgot about it - the post that is. I haven't forgotten the evening nor the sentiments it invoked. Oddly enough, well odd to me, someone hasn't forgotten the post. In fact, it now turns out, this someone has been regularly the post to people up and down Mexico. He loves this post.

He's also a good friend, Efraín. We have spent many nights drinking and telling stories. Now, none of you have ever met me in real life, so you have never had to actually sit through me telling you a story (lucky you). But it appears that I am a good story teller. I tend to be an active story teller, I am passionate as I speak, I am engaging. Efraín loves watching me tell my stories.

Under normal circumstances these two facts wouldn't lead anywhere but these are not normal circumstances. Efraín is a qualified engineer who works very hard (and successfully) at his job. He has now reached a point where he is so successful that he can satisfy his one major desire - to make films. He is attending night school where he is studying a course in film direction and he is, already, writing/directing/producing short films.

He wants to make a short film about my blog post.

At the moment it is still in the negotiating state. He has his ideas, I have mine. I think that it is mainly going to be a "talking head" type of film, with me sat at a table telling the story. However, it will also include cuts (ooo, get me with my movie-talk) that will include me re-enacting events of the night as I tell the story - yep, there will be two of me on the screen at the same time...or not,it depends on how he wants to do the whole thing.

Anyhoo, all films start with a script. And that is where I come in. Before the project goes any further (into the storyboard section for those of you who are enjoying this slight brush with the bizzness) I have to sit down and write a script. Which I've done. Obviously, there is a good chance that this will go nowhere. So, rather than have my script hanging around in limbo I've decided to publish and be damned!

For your reading pleasure:  Download script_for_a_short.doc

me, me, me - it's all about meme

So the wonderful Helly, in between updating us on the U-Haul and the skanky neighbours, has tagged me for a meme:

The rules: You must list one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name. Each fact must begin with that letter. If you don't have a middle name, just use your maiden name. After you've been tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and answers. At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name.

Not just me, she also tagged the (even more [I can say that, Alan can argue - no, not you Alan, Helly's Alan]) wonderful Maria. The first I knew about this was when I dived into my office to grab some books and found a chat box open on my computer. Maria was demanding some answers for her post. I banged off the first words that came to mind, went back to teaching, back to my office, to discover that she had written a post. Also she had researched and put (a fuck of a lot) more thought into my middle name. Thus I shall steal all that hard work, pass it off as my own and give you:

My Answers to the Middle Name Meme.

ALEXANDER

A is for Amiable. I used to be angry. I used to be very, very angry. I was one of those annoying people who loved to argue, didn't listen to people's points of view and then I'd punch them. W*dnesd*y we went out with one of Maria's ex-lovers [yeah, I was surprised as well, she told me she was a virgin when we met]. This man was desperate, desperate to win Maria back and his plan was to put me in my place - point out how he was soooooo much better than I. I sat for several hours being belittled and man-handled. Yes, man-handled. The being pulled around was bad but not as bad as the slap to my groin and the smack round the back of my head. Oh, he knew what he was doing. He knew that if at any point I punched him, he'd have fallen to the floor - and let's be honest here girls - Maria would have rushed to his side, looking up at me with her beautiful eyes, full of tears, demanding "why? why?". I didn't punch him. I smiled. I am amiable.

L is for Loving. You know - I am. This might not come as a shock to you but it sure as hell does to me. I am really loving. As I sit here at the computer and try to think what to write about "loving" I realise that I do really love. I love my life, I love the people in my life, I love the things I do, I love the things that happen to me. More, I am in love. I am more in love today than I was yesterday. Each day I love Maria more. And you know what is great? Yesterday, apropos to nothing in particular, Maria said the same thing to me. She loves me more each day. And it is wonderful. It is wonderful to love someone and to be loved. Me, I recommend being loving. According to the Coke advert: "if you give a little love then it all comes back to you".

E is for Empathetic. I have been know to say: "look at this face, is this the face of someone who cares?" Often I am met with a single, one word reply: "Yes!" I'm not convinced that I have a caring face but I do care. I am very sensitive, sensitive to how others are feeling. I can lose sleep worrying about people. I will listen to stories and tears will spring to my eyes. Damn, I'm some sort of modern-man!

X is for Xenophilous. Hi, my name is Will. My girlfriend is Mexican. I live in Mexico. I am working towards claiming a Mexican passport and Mexican citizenship. Does that say it all? Need more convincing - read my blog!

A is for Analytical. She could have gone for anal but she went for analytical. I have a very mathematical mind, I like logic. I also have a vivid imagination but that isn't what I am talking about here. I do tend to break everything down to its component parts. I am a bastard to argue with - as you state facts (that are really emotions) I can turn those facts very fast against you. I can extrapolate to a frightening point - present me with a problem, an idea and within seconds I can tell you the faults, the end result, how it can be fine-tuned. I am also the guy who reads the instruction manual.

N is for Nurturing. I'm a teacher. I believe in children. I believe that, with the right amount of love, direction, caring, and information children can become "free-thinking autonomous human beings". It isn't just children - I love to see growth in everyone: friends and foes alike.

D is for Determined. I wasn't too sure about this one either until I thought about it. On the whole I don't like confrontation. If something is wrong I tend to do something about rather than confront. But, if something is wrong I do make sure it gets put right - even if it does mean confrontation - because I am determined. If I want something, I get it. If I want something done, it gets done. Gosh, I can be nasty.

E is for Enthusiastic. Hell, YES! I really am one of those annoying/boring people that just "bounce with the massive". I'd like to be "Eeyore" but I am more like "Tigger". I'm just happy, I just enjoy everything, I just want to have fun. Wow, I'm one of those people I dislike! Aren't enthusiastic people annoying! That's me.

R is for Responsible.   

1. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust.
2. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm.
3. Being a source or cause.
4. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior.
5. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable.
6. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism.
7. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations.
8. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament.

Yep, that's me.

Well, that was fun (see, I'm being enthusiastic). I think I learned a bit about me that I hadn't really thought about. Maybe a better way of doing this meme isn't for you to pick the characteristics, maybe it would be better if you got your partner/lover/postman to pick the characteristics. So, here comes the bit you have been dreading - it's time to tag. Looking at my links I only have nine people on them and there are nine letters in my middle name. Of course, I already know that several of those don't do memes, one of them tagged me, and one is on holiday. So, rather than "name and shame" I'm going to say - if you want to do this, do it, consider yourself tagged. If you are just passing through and you like the meme - go for it. You can leave a comment and I promise I will come and read.

not blogging - just typing

The longest week. I woke up on W*dn*sd*y morning convinced - that's convinced I say - it was Friday. I was sure it was Friday. As Beck exploded out of the alarm (quick question - does any Beck track actually explode?) and I checked the state of my body (with my mind! with my mind!! there was none of that checking my body with my hands - that's a definite no-no [on a school day]), I was absotively-posolutely convinced it was Friday. How did I know it was Friday? Because my body felt that it had done four days work already. Except it was W*dn*sd*y! Do you know how hard it is to work through a W*dn*sd*y when your body/mind thinks it is Friday? Not as tough as if your body thinks it is Saturday.

As Beck exploded out of the alarm on Thursday morning (sometimes I think we should change the CD in the player every day, otherwise I get a sort of "groundhog day effect"), I checked my body (with my mind!) and was convinced it was a Saturday. Thursday was a very long day. When Friday finally came around (three days too late) I was shattered. How shattered was I? Well, I went to bed at 6:30pm - of course that might have also something to do with the fact that I started drinking at 3pm. Drinking in that way that fish don't do, more like drinking in the way that a man who has just worked a nine day week in five days and really needs a drink does. Yay me!

So, I've been busy - very busy. I am now an English teacher - with all that that entails. Actually a bit more than what it entails as I also have to plan lessons for the two months that I haven't been teaching English because when the inspection hits the school might be in beeeg trouble. I am also a drama teacher as rehearsals have kicked into full swing for the school play and the attitude seems to be: the play is TOMORROW!!! Which is a bit worrying as it ain't until the end of June I am still a maths teacher, which is slightly problematic because one of the local High schools suddenly changed their maths entrance exam from a mathematical exam into a what's the definition of this word word. The problem is that they want the definition is Spanish and (surprise, surprise) I haven't taught maths in Spanish. And there is other stuff that is work related that I just can't bring myself to go through because...because it has been sucking the life out of me and this 2008! And 2008 is going to be great!! So, I'm not having the life sucked out of me!!! Let's just take it for granted that work has managed to fill every single waking hour this week.

In normal circumstances that would be fine - actually, in normal circumstances that wouldn't be fine! I have chosen this path because I don't want a working life that fills every hour. I chose this path because I wanted a life where Maria filled every hour!! I want a life where life fills every hour!!! And, bless its little cotton socks, life has been filling every waking hour. There is probably a list of the most stressful things in life: divorce, marriage, pregnancy, moving house, looking after a friend's pet while they are on holiday, talking to a plumber, trying to work out where that irritating squeaky noise is coming from. The person who made this list needs to add owning Maria and Will's car to the list. Believe me, I've dealt with all the other things on that list and none of them compare to owning a car in Tijuana which has no reverse gear. None of them compare with trying to organise a way to get rid of said car. None of them compare to debating what sort of car you want to replace said car with.

I am a bit crap when it comes to cars. On the whole I think of them as moving ashtrays - they get you from A to B and that'll do me. I know how cars work, I understand the physics/chemistry, I can explain how the internal combustion engine works. But I have no interest in cars. No interest in what is under the bonnet. No interest in what the bonnet looks like. It's a mobile ashtray with (hopefully) a kick-ass stereo.

This week has been spent with my opinion being sought on what type of car we should purchase and I have had to come to a decision. It MUST have four wheels. It MUST have an ashtray. I'd like it to have a kick-ass stereo. It appears I am not a very helpful/supportive/useful person - but you probably knew that! All of this means that I have had to spend the week being helpful/supportive/useful and failing miserably. This is a lot tiring than you would have thought. It has managed to fill all my waking hours. Except, I haven't had any free waking hours (due to the job being a bitch etc.).

Thus I have been a little bit over-extended. Actually I have been totally over-extended. I have managed to cram two and a half week's worth of stress/worry/work/being an arse into one week!

So, in answer to your question (both of you): No, I haven't bloody posted!!!

Nor is there any chance that I will....oh.
 

welcome to mexico

Maria is back blogging! This is wonderful news - especially for me because I love her writing, I love her take on our life, I love her.

Of course, the one drawback to her writing is that it limits what I write. Not totally, but there are things that occur that become her story, not mine.

Yesterday this happened:

Massive Tijuana Gun Battle

The working-class neighborhood of La Mesa resembled a war zone. Crying children streamed from an elementary school, escorted by terrified parents. People lay on sidewalks and streets as bullets flew overhead. Some huddled inside their homes.

It appears we live in a working class neighbourhood! I was at work but Maria was home. Well, she was home and then out and then home and then....maybe I should just send you to her blog where you can read all about it.

avoidance tactics

I am supposed to be working - not at work but working. I go back to school on the 7th and I need to plan lessons, need to plan a notice board, need to organise myself so that I'm ready for the start of the year. I was going to do this work on Wednesday but ended up watching Firefly instead (as you do). This meant that I was definitely going to do the work on Thursday. I wasn't just going to be on my own, working, Maria had promised herself that she would clean the flat. So Thursday we went out.

We crossed the border, renewed my visa and set off for Borders. YES! One New Year's Resolution is still alive! $179 later we left Borders with a box of books (good news neil h. - I managed to pick up a copy of Imperium..better news, it was in the bargain bin, $5.99 for the hardback copy). We walked round Hillcrest for an hour trying to work up an appetite for a curry. But, we failed to get that hungry - you really have to order more than two dishes in a curry house! Instead, we ended up at the Shakespeare Grille, where I had fish, chips and mushy peas while Maria went for the beef and mushroom pot pie. A quick visit to the shoppe [sic], where I picked up a Caramac, some Fisherman's Friends and two Pork Pies. Then on to the cinema where we watched Charlie Wilson's War. [If I don't get round to writing a review can I just say that it was an excellent start to the year cinematic-wise]. Home to watch Serenity (not as good as the series, wish we had stopped after that!).

Now it is Friday - 11:24am. Maria has done all the washing up, she has done two loads in the washing machine and is ironing. I have checked my email, read 60 pages of my book, read blogs, surfed the t'internet and not started my work. In my mind (great expression that) I am sure that, as we have the kids this weekend, there will be time to do the work. Maybe I should leave it for the weekend. Of course, with Maria doing all this work I am feeling a bit guilty - sat here, not working. Feeling very guilty. I keep looking over my shoulder to see if she is glowering at me for not working. She isn't glowering, she's luvverly - in fact she is listening to Radio 4 and arguing with the presenters. She's wonderful and I feel like I'm failing her - sitting here, writing a post.

I think I'll go for a shower.

8 things about me

I've been tagged by Sans (and if you go and read her blog you will find some eerily familiar posts - I'm pretty sure that I wrote some of those posts on here, except with less dogs and fishing involved). Breathe easy, I'm not going to tag anyone at the end of this but, as she was kind enough to find my blog and tag me, I thought I'd play along. So 8 things about me that you probably didn't know (I thought this would be more interesting than telling you stuff you did know):

1) My toes. I cannot pick things up with my toes. This, it appears is more unusual than I had been led to believe. Not that I have been worrying about this for the previous 46 years of my life but, since there has been a certain amount of inspection of my foot recently, I am now starting to worry that either (1) I am some sort of toe-feat-performing-failure or (b) a mutant with a crap inability.

2) I once got picked for the England School Boys Hockey try outs. At the end of a four day training camp, of  the thirty boys who had been invited, twenty-two were divided into two teams: possibles v probables. Four boys were selected as reserves for these two teams. Three boys were sent home during the camp because they had injuries. I was told I could watch from the stands. Not my finest hour.

3) Hypnotherapy. After my dad died I became depressed and was prescribed an anti-depression drug. I also had to attend a couple of sessions of therapy. The therapist I saw was, in fact, a hypnotherapist. In the first session we just talked but in the second session I was "put under" and set the task of finding "my happy place". I ended up sat in a hobbit hole, in front of a roaring log fire, smoking a pipe and blowing smoke rings with Gandalf. I did not attend any more sessions. [as an aside: I wonder if this desire to be a hobbit has anything to do with my toe-feat-performing-failure?]

4) I am lactose intolerant. This, however, does not stop me from desiring chocolate milkshake - and I mean a proper chocolate milkshake, ice cream, full-fat milk, chocolate!. This desire grows and grows until I succumb. I then spend a day suffering for my weakness and vow never to have another chocolate milkshake ever again...until the next time.

5) Rufus. Throughout my mother's pregnancy (with me) my parents had decided that, if I was born a boy, I would be called Rufus. For the first two hours of my life I was called Rufus, until my Grandpa told my parents that they couldn't call me Rufus and they had to call me something else. This was a story that I had heard for many years while growing up but had never been fully explained to me. At the age of 41, while visiting my uncle, I was shown some pictures of my dad with his family and the people in the pictures were named. In one picture was someone called Rufus, stood next to my Grandpa. When I inquired who this person was I was informed that it was my Grandpa's brother. I mentioned that I didn't know my Grandpa had a brother. My uncle informed me that he (my uncle) had never met him. By the time he was born the two brothers had fallen out and the name was never mentioned in my Grandpa's house.

6) I laugh out loud in public. If something amuses me, I laugh. I can be reading a book on a bus, on a train, in a plane and if something makes me laugh - I laugh. On Sunday I was stood outside the restroom waiting for Maria and saw something that made me burst out laughing. Yes, I am that mad person, leaning on my crutches, all on my lonesome, suddenly laughing at (apparently) nothing.

7) Toothbrushes. I destroy toothbrushes. I don't brush my teeth, I scrub. Within days of buying a new toothbrush the bristles are already falling to the side and flattening out. I suppose this is because of my fear of dentists. I probably think that if I really, really, scrub at my teeth they will be clean and everything will be wonderful. According to Maria, this is not so. I am now taking lessons in "how to brush my teeth properly and not have to buy a new toothbrush every month".

8) Football hooligan. I was once ejected from a football ground for "head-butting a police horse". In my defence I would like to say that the police horse charged the crowd behind me, the crowd separated, I turned to see what the commotion was, the horse hit me, the police following the charge picked me up and threw me out the ground. It wasn't a very good match anyway, Sheffield United lost 2-0.