I've found my home

waiting for the tyres to change

an apology

I can't post. Tried to start three different posts and failed miserably. Can't get the sentences to join. Can't get an idea to flow. Can't express what I want.

I'm going to blame fatigue. The academic year finished yesterday. Last week was a long wind down from the Lion King, through graduation, academic post mortems, to a last day meeting. Last night I had a very enjoyable evening out in the company of friends - five hours that felt like one. Physically I just want to sleep, mentally I need to detox. Writing posts seems impossible.

Have read Housekeeping vs The Dirt (excellent) and Lucifer:Crux (so-so). Dipped into Engulfed in Flames (luvverly and funny). Tearing my way through The Yiddish Policeman's Union (genius).

Listening to the new Coldplay album (learning to love it) and rocking away to the new Weezer album (brilliant).

Seen WALL-E (fantastic) and Wanted (awful).

Worrying about the finalists of Hell's Kitchen and So You Think You Can Dance (I have become this shallow).

Started a new diet in order to control my IBS which has flared up again.

But most of all I need to sleep. I need to rest. I just don't have the words.

I am still alive, still happy, still madly in love, still in Mexico.

Regular service will be returned once I've recharged.

as the big J didn't say

Blessed are the meek geeks, for they shall inherit the earth.

We come out of Iron Man and Maria is ranting, ranting about this, that, the other and specifically ranting about "that old bloke - you know, the one in the cave with (the gorgeous)* Robert Downey at the beginning. WTF was that all about? It was so wrong, so very wrong, so unbelievably wrong! What were they thinking?" So, I told her. I told her how, unlike most super heroes, Iron Man didn't particularly have that driving force to do good - you know, like a dead mum/dad/planet/uncle - all he had was shrapnel in his heart. What he needed was a conscience. The old man was supposed to be his Jiminy Cricket. This then led to a fifteen minute lecture on Iron Man's history, his problems with alcohol, his problems with Jim Rhodes, his problems with The Armour Wars, his problems with super hero registration, his problems with erectile dysfunction (I made the last one up - but I want Maria to associate erectile dysfunction with Robert Downey...I can be that bitter).

At the end of my fifteen minute expose on the life and times of Iron Man, Maria commented that she didn't know I read Iron Man, was such a fan. I replied, I don't, I'm not. I'm a geek.

Say it loud, say it proud: I'm a geek!

For many years this was not a good thing to be, not a title that I would wear proudly. However, as much as I hate Vista, it is probably time to thank Bill Gates for allowing people like me to come out of our closet. You see, as much as Mr. Gates was probably the person "most likely to be smacked around at school", he has become a shining knight, an answer to all those put downs that geeks receive. Obviously no-one really wants to grow up a nerd**, but geeks are a whole different breed. Geeks can be cool. Geeks can get girls. And then there is the whole Trivial Pursuit phenomenon.

At first, when Trivial Pursuit hit the market, random knowledge wasn't that important. But, somehow, Trivial Pursuit built a totally different subculture that went onto to pervade the rest of society. Don't believe me? Think back to the early 1980s. A time before pub quizzes, a time before quiz shows with million pound prizes, a time when Ann Robinson was just an annoying git (oh, hang on, she still is!). However, the point I am trying to make (yes there is one), is that knowledge is good. Knowing stuff is cool. And it isn't knowing the intellectual stuff, it is knowing the pop culture stuff.

And then, yesterday, I heard the best news ever. While surfing through 100 television channels (and there was nothing on), I landed at VH1, where they were showing a clip. 'Twas Bow Wow Wow singing "I Want Candy". For no particular reason, I announced out loud:

You know, Bow Wow Wow are made up from the backing band for Adam and the Ants. Malcolm McLaren, once he'd lost The Sex Pistols, was brought in to help Adam and the Ants. His advice to the group was to ditch their lead singer, Adam Ant. He then took all the musicians, added a 14 year old girl that he'd found in a laundrette, and thus you have Bow Wow Wow. Of course, Adam Ant also went on to become a huge star in the UK. With a new band.

At that point, I turned and looked at Maria. There was a big grin on her face. Her eyes were shining. She told me that she loved me. I asked why? Thinking it might be my incredible charm, my good looks, my sexy hat that was perched jauntily (exceedingly jauntily) on my head. No, she informed me. It was none of those things.

It's because you don't have Alzheimer's.

It appears that a knowledge of trivial facts, the ability to recall those facts, is a good sign that I don't have Alzheimer's. You see, being a geek is a good thing. All that stuff packed inside my head is what is keeping me sane! One day, I will inherit the earth.

Of course, I'm not sure that I have got my head around the fact that Maria thinks I am a candidate for Alzheimer's. Is it 'cos I is old????

*she might not have actually said the gorgeous but it was implied - or inferred. Nope, think it was implied!!

**let's be totally clear about this. There is a world of difference between geeks and nerds. I am not a nerd!

using my power for evil

1.  My god, you are competitive.  :) *

Yep, I really, really am. My mum used to say (probably still says it): If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. Except, because I am like that, I heard: If you can't do something well, don't do it at all. Unfortunately, what I heard probably worked in a negative way with me. I didn't apply myself. I don't like failure. I don't like not quite succeeding.

I have eleven O Levels. These are the exams you take when you are 16 in England. A C is a pass, an A is a very good pass, and an A* is excellent. However, I learnt that people are more impressed with the quantity of qualifications, rather than the quality. I have 11 of these things. To the disappointment of my parents, my teachers, nine of them are at grade C, two are grade B (in fact, if you want to be really pedantic William, you only have nine O Levels and two AO Levels). I have two A Levels. A pass, at A Level, is achieved with a grade of E or higher. My two A Level grades are E and D. I have a degree with Honours. There are four different grades for an Honours degree: A First (1.1), a 2.1, a 2.2, and a Third. I have a Third. You see, it's not the taking apart, it's the taking part. If I'm going to do something, and I know that I can do it well, don't stand in my way. Seriously, when I get involved, when something takes my fancy, I am more determined than a T-1000. I am waaaay too competitive for my own good.

Oh, some stuff I have managed to rein in. I don't play Monotony Monopoly to win any more. I'm having a really hard time trying not to win at Scrabulous when I play with Maria (or play with Alan and Maria) - I'm learning to just enjoy it for the fun of it. I've been through my "competitive dad" streak. I've realised that my children didn't learn by being beaten at sport/games/anything I could come up with, they just learned to sulk (Maria's kids are having a much easier time). As age has descended on me I have become more mellow.

Except I haven't.

And I blame it all on neil h.!!!

Before I go any further I should mention that we love neil h. He's our type of person. Does what he wants, is who he is, he's brilliant! Gotta lurve neil h. So, you have it in your mind - neil h. is a luvverly person, wonderful guy. He's the guy you'd want to spend several hours with. He is well read, in that way that he reads things that you've never thought of. He likes so many things and talks about them with such enthusiasm that you want to do those things. He is just brilliant. We love neil h.

neil h. is destroying my life!

It started with Desk Top Defender. DTD is crack cocaine for the non-console owner. Hours/days/weeks have been spent on becoming good at this - and, if you want to log on to the casual collective and check your scores against mine, I own you!

It has moved on. Somehow my competitive nature has sucked me into joining Mixclub. Because I know, I KNOW, that I can produce the bestest ever CD.

However, all of these things are done in the confines of our flat. On the whole, I am not going around and forcing my DTD results in anyone's face. Nor am I forcing anyone to listen to my music. And I am definitely not forcing anyone to go to Casa de Adobe.

No, I'm not! Just because every other week I mention that you should click on the site, doesn't mean that I am forcing it upon you. Except, I am competitive. I really want to succeed at this. Hell, it's nothing. It's just clicking on a site and having the counter convert clicks into people. But I'm competitive.

So I told my 6th Grade class about the site. Yep, I used my powers for evil. Suddenly I have a bunch of kids building their own mini-cities and visiting mine. And look! I have risen into the 300s. I am knocking on the door of being in the top 200 biggest cities in Mexico.

I am a bit sad really. I am that worst kind of person. I am terrible.

Please help me. Please, I have the kids at school improving my population, I just need help with my transport and industry. I am this crap :^)

* thanks Vanessa

and on a happier note

Methinks that at least two of my readers can handle the HUGE amount of Spanish in this song. The rest of you (hang on - isn't two both of my readers?) will just have to hum along:

2007 - how was it for you?

And so it comes to pass, that moment when you review the year just past and look forward to the year ahead. 2007 - how was it for you? On the surface it was a terrible year for me. Mainly because of the last couple of months, which are at the forefront of me mind. It was the year that life caught up with me. I've always been fortunate in the fact that I look young and I can, therefore, act young. But 2007 was the year that my life caught up with me and suddenly I was old. I ended the year having to wear glasses to read, I played my last game of football, I took a day off work because I was ill. The breaking my foot was a whole "oh fuck" maybe I am not as young as I thought moment. Plus, although I am normally up with what the kids are getting down with, I realised that High School - The Musical was not my thing and I really, really don't get Hanna Montana. Damn, I'm old. Worse, 2007 will always be remembered as the year of the crash. This led to the worst night of my life, the night Maria spent in jail. Obviously this night was a lot worse for Maria but it is a night that still has repercussions several months later. It is an event that hangs over us and affects the way we think and live. Sometimes I think that the faster we get out of 2007 the better.

That said, for the sake of (both) my readers I will now present a list - one of those lists that tell you everything I thought was great (or not) about 2007. Everything I liked (or hated) about the year that has just passed.

Film:

I have got to see an inordinate amount of films this year, thanks to the fact that Maria has got over the fact that she lives with a man who works for Sony and therefore has become a lot more liberal in her belief in downloading films from the internet. True, most of these films have been classics. However, I am going to pick from films I have seen this year. Special mention has to go out to Little Miss Sunshine, which I saw at the beginning of the year. I loved the Bourne Ultimatum and Live Free Or Die Hard. Stardust gets a mention as best adaptation of a book I've read (whereas The Golden Compass gets a mention because it is the worst adaptation I have seen). 300 just rocked. Pan's Labyrinth was a film you you have to see (but just the once). However the film of the year goes to:

Michael Clayton

Well thought out, well executed and a film that kept me enthralled from the first moment to the last.

Turkey of the Year: Could have gone to The Golden Compass or Ratatouille but, for reasons that are totally and utterly mine - Spider-Man 3. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I hate this film.

Book:

I haven't read as many books as I would like to have this year. Some of it has to do with the fact that I lost my eyesight earlier in the year and some of it has to do with I started to read some awful books that made me pause...and not read as much as I should. I realise that most of the books that I have read aren't published this year but, what the heck, there are millions of books out there and I'm just catching up. Anything by Chuck Klosterman is an excellent read - mainly because it cause so much conversation between Maria and I. Fatty Batter took me back to my childhood and made me laugh out loud many times. I loved The Life of Pi and The Amazing Adventures of Kavelier and Clay. And The Dancer Upstairs really rocked. However my book of the year goes to:

Perfume by Patrick Suskind

I can nominate this book because I finished it in January. Don't see the film - read the book. This is not a visual story, this appeals to your understanding of the written word (and oh, how I wish that the makers of The Golden Compass had left the book alone). Mr. Suskind also wrote Mr. Summer's Story which is one of my all time favourites and if you can get a copy, read it!

Turkey of the year: Could have gone to the books I couldn't finish but instead goes to a book I did finish and wondered why I bothered: Hanging out with the Dream King: Interviews with Neil Gaiman. I really wanted to like this but....

Television:

Special mention should go to Heroes. This was a series that grabbed my attention in 2006 and I loved it through the early part of 2007. Unfortunately it dipped in quality at the beginning of the second series and really only got going, again, as the writer's strike kicked in. I have spent a lot of this year watching The Gilmore Girls from the start, Six Feet Under and The Sopranos. I have also watched the whole of Rome - which was brilliant. And, it is because of my love of Rome and the fact that they have cancelled the series (whether it is writer's strike induced or because I am the only one who loved it) that this year's nomination goes to:

Journeyman

Basically a Quantum Leap for the 21st Century. As there will never be more than the 13 episodes we have watched I can say, I miss it! It never got bad (which might happen to Life - our other favourite).

Turkey of the Year: House - this has moved from being a "medical" programme to being a "Hugh Laurie" vehicle. I'm not sure that this is a bad thing, just a difficult thing to grasp.

Sport:

The thing about sport is that it has so many highs and so many lows - and if it doesn't I really don't care. The lows reached their depths with Sheffield United losing the last game of the season and being demoted. This affected me a lot more than I expected, I ended up crying and missing my dad. England losing the World Cup Final, England losing at cricket, England losing at football - sometimes it isn't good to be English. But, sporting wise, the whole year has had a high with the mighty Santos Laguna only losing two games all season. The highlight of the year has to be:

Santos beating Team America 4-0

Team America are the Chelsea/Man Ure/Arsenal/New England Patriots of Mexican football. They always win - so to actually beat them was wonderful. To totally humiliate them by winning 4-0 (and it could have been 10-0) was just sensational.

Turkey of the year: Sean Bean and all those other Blades supporters who presented a petition at the House of Commons demanding Sheffield United's re-instatement to the Premier League. [please note: I am totally avoiding the fact that I have played my last game of football EVER]

Alcohol:

My basic staple has (and will probably remain) Dos Equis but I have occasionally wandered away. Special mention has to go to the Tijuana Brewery for their "blonde" beer which is very cheap and very cheerful. I had a fantastic margarita in Red Lobster and I do enjoy a pint of Fat Tire. But this year's winner is:

Casillero del Diablo

A Chilean cabernet sauvignon which is wonderful. However, wine in Mexico can be expensive (compared to the price of a good bottle of wine in England). But this is the year that Costco got themselves a job lot of Cassillero del Diablo and started selling it at 100 pesos a bottle. We now have a wine cellar! Instead of just buying a bottle when we feel like it, we actually have several bottles just laying on their side waiting for the moment we fancy one.

Turkey of the year: Bud Light. Is there anything more depressing than that moment when someone offers you a drink and then places a Bud Light in your hand? I don't think so.

Game:

As Santa didn't bring me a Wii or an XBox I am limited to games I might have played on the computer. There is only one. So, by default:

Desktop Tower Defender

Addictive beyond belief.

Food:

I still enjoy tacos - I adore tacos. They are still a novelty, each time I bite into one it is like the first time and they are wonderful. Carl's Jnr still serve the best burger and Dominos pizza still disappoints. There is nothing on earth to match the wonderfulness of buffalo wings served at The Fisherman's warf in San Clemente - oh, there is one thing:

Filete Balsamico

Mandolinos has become our favourite restaurant - the service is good, the waiters are friendly and when the place is packed [Feb 14th] and we turn up unexpectedly [Feb 14th], they still find a table for us. We haven't had a bad meal there - often we have been served with dishes that are not on the menu, they like to know our opinion. But my all time fave is the steak cooked in a balsamic sauce. It melts in the mouth.

Turkey of the year: Tamales. I try, I really try - but they are a Mexican dish that I just can't enjoy and, for some reason, most people find this as an insult to their country. Worse, this then inspires them to feel that I haven't had a proper tamale and so try to force another one on me.

Place:

This year we have visited Disney twice. Both times have been wonderful. I know that there is the chance to be cynical about Disneyland but the fact is, it is an escape. A break from the real world and all its problems. Also I get to share it Maria and it makes it so much better. Again we have visited San Clemente pier several times, and each time I have proposed to Maria and each time she has accepted. It is difficult to pick a favourite place because I go everywhere with Maria and she makes every place wonderful. But my favourite place has to be:

Bed

To fall asleep every night beside Maria, to wake up every morning beside Maria. This makes my life perfect.

Turkey: Jail. I never went, Maria did - neither of us want a night like that again.

2007

A year of some great highs and big lows. But, as I have typed this I realise that it has been a year with Maria, a year in love, a year being loved. No matter how bad the year has got I have still be happy, much happier than I have been before.

I hope that 2007 was a good year for you (both of you) and that 2008 is better. I will still be here, I hope you will still be there (but do note: you are always welcome to visit).

Peace and Love.

You're all individuals

I'm not.

Two and a bit years ago I was driving to work and I heard the first ever playing of a song - one of those moments that Radio One had got hold of a promotional item and were celebrating the fact that they had the song before any other radio station. I don't normally listen to lyrics but the first lines called out to me:

My life is brilliant.
My life is brilliant
My love is pure.
I saw an angel
Of that I'm sure.

I listened to the rest of the song and was stunned. The song meant everything to me. It spoke to me. It was my song - hell, it was our song. That night I searched the internet and finally found a copy of it. Downloaded it and sent it to Maria. For twenty four hours it was our song. It said everything about our relationship - and then, thanks to the last line, it set up the challenge.

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

At that moment, that single moment, that song was perfect, it was everything. Two years later I feel embarrassed and it is not fair. I know that the song was "pre-tested" and found to be the "most perfect song". Two years later I know that this song is in the top ten of most hated songs ever written. Hell Vanessa, who has never heard the song according to a post she once wrote, hates the song with a passion.

It is not fair.

There are times that I wish that I was an arbitrator of the world's taste. The are times that I wish that I could decide what is cool or not cool. There are times that I wish that I could tell the whole world to just fuck off. I like this song. This song is my song. This song is our song. It is our story...except ours has a happy ending!

So, without caring about street cred, I am happy to declare:

You're Beautiful by James Blunt

is a wonderful song! Forget what you have ever heard about it. Just take the time to sit down and listen to it. And smile. Download james_blunt_youre_beautiful.mp3

[Sidenote: Unfortunately , in the eyes of the music loving world, I also love Angels by Robbie Williams - again another much maligned song. However, it has also become the most popular song played at weddings (after the wedding march). True fact: when Robbie Williams's best friend was getting married he asked Robbie to be the best man. Mr. Williams agreed. He then asked Robbie to sing Angels as the bride walked down the aisle. Mr. Williams replied:
No! I mean, how tacky do you want this wedding to be?
Sometimes, something you love can be taken away from you by popular opinion. Me, I still like the song.
Download robbie_williams_angels.mp3 : end sidenote]

need for something new

Money - it's a crime!

Once upon a time, when we both had jobs and a steady income was assured, we promised ourselves that we would buy a new CD, a new book, a new DVD every week! It was to be the self-thanking moment, the moment that we accepted the day-to-day grind because we were treating ourselves. And we did! Oh, we got it wrong sometimes and would buy four books, five CDs, two DVDs - but it was a wrongness that was brilliant! Over a couple of months we had a pile of books that we hadn't read and films we hadn't seen - the CDs got played!

And we used great selection criteria to chose: we listened to clips of the CDs on headphones at Borders, we liked the write-ups or the cover photos or the opening paragraph of books, Val Kilmer was in the cast list! We didn't care, we were DINKYs* with disposable income, a good credit rating, money in our pockets and no fear.

Then it went a bit pear-shaped. Maria changed her job, new expenses arose, disposable income (sort of) disappeared. This wasn't/isn't a problem in most cases. We have an extensive DVD library (and one of us is naughty enough to use peer-to-peer downloading). The book shelves still contain enough books that we haven't read. The problem occurred with the music. For some reason we no longer got exposed to new music. Gone was the day when we walked up to the counter at Borders with eight albums and only two of them were from groups we had heard before. The other six was because we had spent two hours, headphones on, moving through all of Borders selections, choosing albums, discarding them for others. Unfortunately the two radio stations we listen to [that play music (91X and FM949) 'cos we listen to NPR and Dave, Shelly and Chainshaw for the chat) play the music we like but...but they don't feature a lot of new stuff. So we have been a bit lost.

MTV is shit! I know that this isn't exactly clever blogging and I could probably write a whole I'm-turning-into-my-dad riff but MTV is shit! In England there is/was MTV2 which I enjoyed but here I am stuck with MTV Hits or VH1 and neither supplies me with the new music I desire. So what to do, what to do?

And then I heard Amy Winehouse singing "Rehab". Amy Winehouse, winner of the Brits Award for Best Female Singer. This could be it. I could have found my new music! I downloaded her album "Back to Black", avoided Maria's scepticism, settled back to listen and....and I am not turning into my dad! This is not what I want to listen to. Maria breathed a sigh of relief and I was lost, again.

I am now downloading The Fratellis. Not sure that I am holding out much hope for a "Scottish indie band" but who knows? Mind you, who knew I would get so old and not be as "cutting edge" as I used to be? Mayhap David Bowie is working on a new album - mayhap I should just kill myself now.

*Yes, I know we both have kids but (fortunately) they aren't sucking-us-financially-dry as kids can do.

watchu bin doin'?

I know what I'm not doing. I'm not learning Spanish. Every day I go to work with Maria, plonk myself down in front of the computer, glare at my backpack knowing it contains "Spanish for Dummies" and eight CDs of "Immersion Spanish", boot up the computer and surf. We get home, we wash, we cook, we read, we talk, we watch tele, we watch films, we go to bed.

This morning I was left "home alone". Maria had to go and check out some cement mixers. It appears that there is a little more to mixing cement than banging a board down, tipping out some cement powder, adding water from a can and then stirring it with a shovel until it "looks right". It appears that when you are building a $30 dollar building you have to be a little more precise than having a bunch of blokes stood around, scratching their arses, telling the YTS that he's got it wrong. Yep, these days you need PCBs and sensors, hardware and software, before you can start filling in that strange mysterious crack that has just appeared in that wall we did last Friday, you know, just before we all nipped home early. [Please note: in my total denial of turning into my dad, I have just avoided mentioning that: "In my day we didn't need PC-chuffing-Bs. In my day we'd...." Except I think I just have?]

Twenty minutes after she left I got a phone call. She informed me that she would have to go "out the city" and might be away a lot longer than she thought. Knowing that she also has to do a demo at five I cheerfully mentioned "see you at 6.30 ish then."

Yeah, have a cup* of wine. It's the weekend.

But it is only just past 8am and I am still in my pyjamas, teeth unbrushed. Now, no matter what reasons/excuses my father could come up with for pouring himself a whiskey ("The sun is over the yard-arm in Alice Springs.") I tend to go with the rule that it isn't a good idea to drink before brushing your teeth - I also tend to add the rider that it isn't a good idea to drink while you can still taste toothpaste in your mouth either.

So...what to do, what to do??? Obviously, sit out on the balcony, have a cigarette and read some of my book.

Thirty minutes later I wander back into the flat. Oooo, look, Alan is online - time for a quick chat.

Thirty minutes later Alan has to go walk the dog but while I'm here I'll just check my emails. Got a message on Facebook . Check that out and maybe I'll answer a couple more questions on the iLike music challenge.

Thirty minutes later I realise that I should stop playing this and do something useful. I go read people's blogs.

Thirty minutes later I really know that I really should be doing something useful. And I will. I will do something really useful straight after a cigarette. I pick up my book on the way out to the balcony.

Thirty minutes later and I am back checking out the England cricket score. Then it is time to learn some Spanish - however I notice that my "tea-time football email" is in my inbox. That leads to another link and then another link and then another link and then the phone rings.

Hi. We've finished. We'll swing by the flat in about ten minutes, pick you up. I have to go back to the office.

Errrr. I haven't showered. I haven't dressed. I'm still in my pyjamas.

Watchu bin doin'?

I love you.

I love you but watchu bin doin'?

I love you. I adore you. And I've been really, really busy. I've done loads of stuff. You'll be amazed when you find out how much stuff I've done. Except....

Except what?

It's a surprise. I want to see if you notice what I've done.

Ok. I love you. See you in ten minutes.

I love you. Bye.

Ten minutes! Ten minutes!! What the hell can I do in ten minutes that will surprise her?

I climb into the back of the car. She turns and smiles at me.

You smell nice!

You see, you worked it out!

I knew I hadn't been wasting my time! It is a good job I hadn't applied my lotion until the last minute. I smell nice!

*this is an expression I love. The Spanish for a wine glass is "copa". One of my colleagues who never, ever, ever drinks, because once an uncle of his drank several tequilas and got drunk, occasionally drinks. But he will only drink very expensive, very good wine. In his mind very, very expensive wine is not alcohol it is a life-style, it is the epitome of fine-living, it is not really drinking it is savouring. And when he has a fine wine he likes to tell me about it. "Yesterday I opened a bottle of Château Mouton Rothschild, you know the Pauillac '86. I let it breathe for a while and then poured myself a cup." I always have this vision of him drinking wine out of a cracked mug. Yes, I am this childish.

estoy viejo

What you doing?

Surfing. Do you want to watch something or go to bed?

Watch something. No, bed. It's early isn't? Watch something.

It's five past nine. You don't want to watch anything do you? You want to go to bed?

Yeah. Let's go.

Mariah Carey - she's not beautiful is she?

There's a reason you ask? Just before we go to bed?

Well, look there, at this video. According to Hilary Duff "this is the video in which she looks the best". So I was thinking she looks pretty rough in this one.

She's never looked good. What are you watching?

MTV. I was hoping that I could hear some good "choons" and re-set my brain.

You do realise that they aren't called "choons" don't you? You do realise that it is probably worse calling them "choons".

I'm old aren't I?

You're not old. You're beautiful.

I am old. Look, look at that video. Deep down inside I've turned into my dad. Look what he is wearing - why can't he pull his trousers up? Why can't he put his hat on straight? And more to the point - why the hell is he wearing a golfing hat? Hell, next thing up he'll be wearing one of those sleeveless jumpers with diamond patterns on it.

You mean like the bloke in the back there?

Shit, yeah! And really are you listening to the lyrics? He's moaning that he is "so hot" and the ladies in "da club" are wall-to-wall and he can't decide which one to pick. Well, let me tell you Mr. Chris Brown you might need to dress properly and stop referring to them as "ho-s and ballers" if you want to go home with one of them.

Hmmmmm.

And another thing. Why do all these songs have to have someone "featuring"? Don't these people have enough talent to sing their own songs? Why does there have to be another person along for the ride? And why is that person almost as talentless as the original person? WEAR A BELT!!! If you wore a belt you would keep having to grab the front of your trousers!!! And another thing.....OH MY GOD!!!!!

What???

I've turned into my dad.

[At that point I got up, walked through the flat, checked that the front door was locked, turned off all the lights, went to bed, got up again, turned on the lights, went and re-checked the front was locked, switched off all the lights, went to bed.]